i’m tired. my adventure was lovely and worth it. without a doubt. i got some anxiety about it. but it ended up being fine… because it was meant to happen.

that’s just how i see it.

this passing weekend was greatly anticipated. i haven’t been as excited about a weekend since… mardi gras maybe.
…the aforementioned J came to town with his 3 high school amigos. they were all lovely boys. i was trying to think of a better way to describe them. but they’re lovely. and i think feelings have only gotten stronger between J and me which is such a relief.

saturday: it was about half past noon when everything was altered. it was as if the sun had gotten thousands of miles closer to light up the sky ten times more than it was before i’d stepped outside and discovered it. it was being born again. it was appreciation that i’d never felt before and love for myself and my surroundings that i didn’t know i was capable of. i realized how much i am my mother’s daughter. in a sundress i was unprepared for an exploration. by the same token, i was prepared.
after exploring acreage with the boys and K holding the allman brothers in our hands and our hearts K and i discovered a fallen tree. my mom had given us a paper bag full of peaches from the farmer’s market. we gazed for hours at the surrounding greenery as the sunlight made its way through the branches above our heads. everything blended; connected.
smoke streamed from marlboro smooths then faded into a kaleidoscope, a web, of every imaginable shade of green. i held the music in my lap and watched as K produced a distinctive, white shining pattern in her hand that moved whenever she desired for it to move. the scrapes on our legs from trekking through thorns and ivy didn’t matter; we watched their crimson shades intensify and specks of dirt on my palms wavered in the sunlight.
isolated, K and i remained in our ethereal location for hours as the boys explored what else the woods held in store for them. we told them to follow the music back to us when they wanted to come back. and, eventually, we all found each other again. but it was almost as if we’d never separated.
“revival” pumped through the bloodstreams of K and me.
“people can you feel it? love is everywhere.”
we made our way back to a clearing of golden hills behind my house. the horizon never ended. nemo, the tri-legged dog that lives at my mom’s house, took every ounce of her energy to stay with us the whole time.
the day concluded with K, Sunshine, swimming in our clothes, sitting on the hood of an old volvo, and watching the boys play soccer. and eventually it all ended. so it goes.

when i got to florence tonight, my stepdad was watching a silent film. he told me about the main actor in the movie. i love appreciation for the simple things.

my secret getaway commences tomorrow. i’ve never taken risks like this before. i love it.

everything looks perfect from far away; come down now, but we’ll stay

if i wanted to spend the time and energy it would take to recap everything that’s happened and/or changed since january, i still don’t think i would. although i am willing to say that i can allude to my last post, which mentioned bonnie having kidney problems. my baby didn’t make it. we had to put her down a few weeks after that post. i keep her picture by my bed. that’s all i’m going to say about that. r.i.p. baby.

i remember kristen telling me that whenever she blogs (i hate blogging as a verb.. let’s call it.. updating), she refers to people by the first letter of their name to be safe. so… let’s try it.
i can safely say that i think i’m falling for someone. oh god. maybe i should make my wordpress private to the public eye. i sound like i’m in junior high.
…but like i said, i can safely say that i think i’m falling for someone. how strange it is that his name begins with a J like so many other names that i have incorporated into my life romantically. but this J contrasts with the other J’s (or how about…the entire rest of the alphabet) in more ways than i can count. and maybe that’s why i know that i can ‘safely’ say these things, because in any other case i feel that i would’ve cut something like this off by now. but i’m content… 70% of the time, give or take. and maybe the reason why i stick around is because it’s so terrifying. terrifying is a little strong. it’s … intimidating, to say the least. the most unpredictable letter of the alphabet i’ve ever met. we’ll see.

right now i couldn’t ask for more. except maybe from what was previously mentioned. my friends let me be everything i’ve never thought i could be. or at least let me become/evolve/do the things that i used to be afraid of. i still second guess myself… but i’m getting there. everything is beautiful. everything flows the way it’s supposed to. and if i don’t know if it’s going to, i let it happen and accept it as the way it’s supposed to be. i’ve never been that way in my life.

time to begin…again.

little kitty bonnie baby is sick. she has kidney issues. dad said that she’d be fine to come home from the vet for a little bit.. but she’s not a healthy bonnie and may only be able to stay around for about a month. i don’t know how else to put it besides ‘stay around’.. i feel insensitive. but it’s the other way around. i think i’m so sensitive that insensitive things just sound normal. she’s a ginormous part of my world. she’s my bon-bon. (see two posts below)
….

lighter note?…
the translator app on iPhone is nice. it’s like deciphering a cool code. i love languages. if i thought i could do anything with it i might try out linguistics as a major or minor. eh… i’ll stick with Spanish for now.
Rosetta Stone? is that cheating..?
..when i put on this high waisted rose skirt from London i always feel so eclectic. it’s even more fun when people ask me where i got it :]

Haiti… my heart. earthquakes freak me out…

aslkdfjas

the hospital let my dad go early because of the weather. i don’t see how it could be that hazardous. 17 degrees tonight.. psh

this episode of made is a little painful to watch. did i act like that when i was in show choir? and why do all these kids look older than me when in reality i’m older than they are? they’re trying to get to fame chicago in this episode. which is funny. because attache’ always wins that. these kids on tv probably envy attache’ or have heard of them, anyway. they probably watch youtube videos of them (just like people did when i was in encore, weird)
this is so staged ahhh

i realize that i didn’t tell anyone that i was starting to update this again, and i kind of like the feeling of knowing that no one is reading it. then i don’t feel pressured to say or not say certain things you know? emancipationz

youth in revolt looks funny? wanna see. wanna use gift cards (libbystory, wilai, migi’s) and buy pin attire prettythings.
jerseyshore tonight haha. will be watching.
loving desperate housewives season 1. i hear it just gets worse from there though.

where’s kitty?

no picture today

bonnie walks across my keyboard sometimes while i’m typing.

i’m gonna go work out again today which is weird. i don’t think i’ve ever worked out three days in a row in my entire life, except for when i took that really intense paul lacoste course where i worked out 5 days a week for 4 weeks at 5 A.M. … (which, by the way, i plan on doing again). looking back on that, i’m really proud that i made it through all 4 weeks (i think i missed two sessions) but i don’t think it had the same effects that it would on me now because of yaz. yaz ruins weight loss goals. and apparently causes heart attacks.

i still have so much christmas candy that it’s gross. i wish i babysat kids or something so i could give it to them. i even have one of those big candy cane shaped tubes full of kisses.

i got two $50 gift cards for iTunes and i’m not sure what CDs to buy. i already bought Neon Bible. (arcade fire at bonnaroo? KOL at bonnaroo? prince? mama, please let me go).

what if i included a picture at the end of all my blog posts of what i look like when i’m writing them?

“sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no makeup on….”

i’m keeping up with something significant in the new year. i fear losing my writing abilities. here’s to writing across the curriculum.

sore arms and butt from working out, but i’m going back to the gym today. i can see why girls and women who work out all the time are super content and happy, and all those girls i went to high school with can just get drunk whenever they want because they don’t bother worrying about calories.
workout, party, workout, party, workout, party.

i really did sleep until 1:30 today. my dad called to apologize for overreacting at my new year’s pictures, but really, i can’t imagine the stress that is involved with raising an 18 year old girl.

time to get off my a$$

i never update. um so i’m graduating friday. no more high school for ever ever. i didn’t cry on my last day, and i may not even cry at graduation. i mean to some extent i’m going to be sad to be leaving, but in a lot of ways i really just need a break from the high school agenda. i’m in no way putting myself above anything. but everyone can only take so much… and i’d had enough by the beginning of senior year. probably before then.
i’m just so ready to start over it’s ridiculous. and i want to watch everyone else start over. (or some of them anyway.)

when i think of something to say, i guess i’ll say it..

There aren’t many subjects that make me think on an extremely deep level. I don’t recall a time when I was able to rant on one subject and use big words and phrases to back myself up. I need practice in thinking. Can one practice thinking?
It is interesting, though, how I was watching something on TV about the polio epidemic in Nigeria.. and how much this one little boy squealed and screamed when he was receiving his vaccination. And I can completely remember how terrifying watching a thin needle penetrate my skin was, and how there was no way in my mind that that process could benefit me whatsoever. I guess what I’m saying is, the more innocent you are, the more you don’t understand that you have to endure small amounts of pain in order to benefit something greater. That little boy most likely didn’t realize that his little sister was paralyzed from the disease for which he was being vaccinated.. and he probably wouldn’t understand.

I am going to be so depressed without Bonnie next year.

…and I think I’ll go to Monroe this weekend.

Never underestimate your grandparents. This weekend made me appreciate Grammy&Pop so much. I went to visit because Grammy had dental surgery and she’s really weak from recovering, and my mom knew if I went with her to visit it would lift her spirits a lot. Pop told me and my mom more about when he was in WWII then my mom’s ever heard before. I’m so glad I went.

Creative Writing is still a joke. We haven’t made the slightest bit of progress in any way, shape or form. I wish I had known Ms Stainton (sp?). So so so ready to be done with that place.

For my independent reading in English I’m going to read Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston. Apparently it’s like.. straight dialect. I hope I can handle it. I like books like that.

Senior party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!320981024

Bonnie(s) wobble but they don’t fall down